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| Mercy Ministries - Mercy for Self-harm |
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I couldn’t stop myself. I had to cut. “Not cutting” meant everything was okay, and everything was anything but okay. So dead inside, I picked up a blade and glided it across my thigh. – Lindsay
Lindsay couldn’t take the silent suffering any longer. She had no way to express the pain she felt or the sense of being a prisoner to it, except through self-harm. If she could not feel anything on
the inside, she had to prove to herself she could at least feel something on the outside.
Just like Lindsay, millions of people of all ages wrestle with the seemingly inescapable problem of self-harm on a daily basis. Out-of-control emo- tions or the inability to feel at all may result in self-harming behaviors, such as cuts, burns, bruises, or worse.
Does this scenario describe someone you know who is struggling with self-harm on a regular basis? Are you desperate for answers? There are many girls wanting a way out. Many have found it. Since 1983, Mercy Ministries has served more than two thousand young women from across the country and from varied cultural and economic backgrounds, facing a combi- nation of difficult circumstances.
Julia’s Story
It started out as an accident, really. I was eight years old and dealing with so much hurt and anger. While doing the dishes, I cut myself on some broken glass. For the first time, I felt a moment of freedom from the pain inside, and at the same time it kind of broke through the numbness. I felt alive, almost normal.
Gradually it escalated from “accidents” to very intentional actions. For me it was important, and a bit obsessive, to see the blood. Seeing the blood made me feel like I was purging all the bad from within me. Self-harm was easier to deal with than what was going on inside. The outside pain hurt a lot less than the inside pain, and the cutting distracted me from what was bottled up. It also made me feel real. I’d numb out and feel like I wasn’t living but rather watching some movie play out in front of me. Self-harm somehow confirmed that I was not dead, and cutting became a part of me. It became my identity.
The self-harm was just a symptom to what was going on inside my head and inside my heart. Before I would cut, I would feel numb. Afterward, although I felt relief for a moment, cutting never brought me to where I had hoped. I became a bit scared. How could I hide it? I didn’t want to get caught, so I would take a step back from people and withdraw from the world
Freedom from self-harm started with my belief system. I had to get to know God for who He is. It wasn’t about who I thought He was or who others said He was. I had to give God a clean slate to show Himself to me. From there I was able to move forward. It took a lot of strength and courage. I had to face a lot of dark places in myself and deal with things inside of me that were difficult.
I did not do it alone; God was there to walk right beside me, and He brought people to me who understood how to help me. I began to understand who I am in Christ, and continuing to self-harm did not line up with my new identity. I finally understood that I am worth more than that. I couldn’t stand there and say how precious I am to God and in the next breath say that I am a cutter and deserve to be hurt.
Self-harm had become like a friend to me. It was what I went to when I was hurting; it was there for me. Not that I am saying that it was in any way helpful, but I almost had to grieve the loss of it. You would think it would be an obvious yes, but to be well means to give up the crutches and stand on your own two feet. Standing on my “legs” was hard at first. Strengthening the necessary muscles took time, and some days it was a bit painful. I had to learn to do things differently.
For starters, I had to learn how to let myself cry and feel the pain from the past events. Again, God was with me, and after I acknowledged the pain and let myself feel it, God was able to heal it. I also had to learn to express my feelings in ways that weren’t hurtful to me or anyone else. For me, expression came through journaling, poetry, singing, and art. I also had a few key Scriptures that I chose to cling to. Even when my feelings told me differently, I was deter- mined to hang on to the truth. One of the passages that served as a life- line for me was Isaiah 53:3-4: “He was despised and rejected by men, a man of sorrows, and familiar with suffering. Like one from whom men hid their faces. He was despised, and we esteemed him not. Surely He took up our infirmities and carried our sorrows.”
Ultimately, you have to go to God for help. He really is there and He really does care. No one else can do it for you, but you can do it.
For Leaders Who Care
It is not uncommon for girls to minimize or even hide their self-harming behav- iors from parents and leaders. Sometimes girls do not even realize the serious- ness of their struggle with self-harm. If you recognize someone struggling with the signs and symptoms of self-harm, it is important to confront her from a place of love and concern for her well-being.
You must understand that self-harming behaviors are an outward expression of an inward hurt, which can stem from a variety of root issues. Be proactive in helping her recognize that God will be her strength throughout this difficult process. Here are some Godly beliefs and some ungodly beliefs to discuss with someone who is struggling with self-harm.
Ungodly belief: No one knows who I really am or how I feel. No one knows how much I hurt inside.
Godly belief: God knows better than anyone exactly what is in my heart. He knows me better than I know myself. I can trust Him to handle me and my heart with the loving hands of healing (Jeremiah 1:5; Psalm 130:2)
Ungodly belief: I must experience pain to pay for the horrible things that I have done.
Godly belief: Jesus Christ has done everything needed to “take care of” any- thing in my past, present, and future. When He allowed himself to experience the cross, He paid the penalty for whatever I might do (2 Corinthians 5:21).
Excerpts taken from Cut: Mercy for Self-Harm by Nancy Alcorn The Mercy For book series addresses the life-controlling issues that threaten thousands of young women every day such as eating disorders, self-harm, addictions, and sexual abuse. In fact, Mercy Ministries has received several testimonies from young women who have gained practical advice and scriptural insight from these resources and found freedom! Visit mercyministries.org for more information. |
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